Sex Therapy

If You Can’t Achieve an Orgasm, It May Be Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is the clinical term for the inability to achieve orgasm even after ample sexual stimulation, and it occurs much more often in women than it does in men. This issue can happen due to various reasons, such as taking certain medications, medical issues, or psychological issues.

If you are at peace with your lack of reaching orgasm and feel your sex life is healthy enough, then so be it. However, if you wish to get to the reason behind your inability to climax, there are steps that you and your partner can try.

What Are the Symptoms of Anorgasmia?

An orgasm is an overwhelming, intense feeling of physical pleasure and release of tension that is accompanied by involuntary contractions of the muscles in the pelvic floor. The way an orgasm feels varies from individual to individual and even can differ from orgasm to orgasm.

There are multiple types of anorgasmia, including the following:

Generalized Anorgasmia – You cannot achieve an orgasm in any situation or with any partner.
Situational Anorgasmia – You can only have an orgasm in certain circumstances. Reasons vary from person to person.
Acquired Anorgasmia – You have had them in the past, but now are having trouble reaching climax.

Physical Causes of Anorgasmia

Health issues like MS, ALS, and Parkinson’s disease may interfere with a woman’s ability to have an orgasm. Other reasons are gynecological in nature and result from surgeries, like a hysterectomy or cancer. This is often accompanied by other concerns like uncomfortable or painful intercourse.

Medications like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), which are antidepressants, can wreak havoc on a person’s sexual performance and satisfaction. So can the normal aging process and changing hormonal levels.

Psychological Causes of Anorgasmia

There are many different psychological reasons why a person may develop anorgasmia. Some of them are:

Anxiety
Depression
Feelings of insufficiency
Poor body image
Low self-esteem
Cultural issues
Past sexual or emotional abuse

Sex therapy can help you overcome any of these mental obstacles that may be interfering with your ability to relax and have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.

Treating This Condition

First, realize that you are not alone in experiencing this issue! Treatment is available – and a skilled counselor who practices couples therapy can help you determine whether it is due to a physical cause or a psychological cause.

Ask your partner to help, and be patient. Increase sexual stimulation – some women find that a certain position causes more stimulation and is more effective in achieving orgasm.

Sex Therapy in Montclair

If your attempts do not work, there is counseling available to help treat this phenomenon. It’s supposed to be fun and feel good – so if it doesn’t, it may be time to get marriage counseling to get your physical relationship back on track.

We are licensed in counseling and psychology, and we focus on keeping our clients comfortable even though they’re talking about a very uncomfortable subject.

Contact our team at Advanced Psychology Partners by calling us today at (973) 534-5333, or request a consultation by filling out our online form. Let us help you put the joy back in sex.

The Phenomenon of “Bed Death”

Bed death is when two people in a committed relationship no longer have sex as often as both or either would like. Sometimes it is referred to as a “sexless relationship” because of the infrequency of intimate relations. Here in the U.S., it is estimated that there are approximately 20 million people in sexless relationships.

This issue of bed death is a very real phenomenon among couples for many reasons. First, people naturally mellow out as we age. Second, there may be health issues or ancillary issues that are interfering with the levels of desire. Third, people these days are often distracted by cell phones and the internet.

When both people are no longer open and honest about this subject with each other, this is what needs to be addressed.

When Couples No Longer Have Sex

Whereas new couples cannot keep their hands off of one another, older or more long-term couples in some cases no longer touch one another. Many couples break up due to an apparent lack of interest in each other.

That is why it is so important to sit down and broach the subject. Sometimes people are afraid to discuss bed death for fear of more unhappiness, so they stay silent and suffer – but do not let this happen to you.

Come up with an ideal frequency of when you would like to have sex, and have your partner do the same. Then talk to each other about it.

How to Improve My Relationship with My Partner

That is a good starting point for discussions about what has happened to your sex life and why it has happened. It also provides the opportunity to start scheduling date nights and make time for them.

Spend time cuddling and just enjoying being together. Turn off those phones, and remove distractions. One thing may lead to another, but if it doesn’t, at least you have shared an intimate evening of simply being in each other’s company without answering texts.

Why Did We Stop Having Sex?

Bed death is a fairly common occurrence and can be caused by distractions, worries, stress, health, and other things that are getting in the way. If you don’t want it to be a problem, have an earnest discussion with each other.

A sexless marriage or relationship does not mean anything is wrong unless one or both partners are unhappy about it. The only people whose opinions matter in this instance are you two. Nobody else should be involved in defining your relationship, period.

Who Can Help Us Resolve Bed Death?

When two people in a relationship are no longer having sexual relations with each other, or they are having sex much less often than one or both would prefer, it is best to see an experienced sex therapist to help get past the issues that are causing it. This issue does not mean that the relationship is broken – it is indeed fixable.

Talk to relationship experts who have decades of experience in the field of marriage, relationships, and sexual intimacy. We are conveniently located in Montclair, New Jersey, about a block away from Bloomfield Avenue on Fullerton.

Contact us today at Advanced Psychology Partners by calling (973) 534-5333 or request an appointment online now. Let us help you get the spice back in your life.

Desire Discrepancy in Long-Term Relationships

People who have been together for a long period of time will naturally experience ups and downs in their relationship. They contend with raising children, working, money issues, and illnesses in the family or in the extended family.

When stressful events happen or as the couple gets older, hormone levels fluctuate. They must deal with the challenges (and pressures) of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship while dealing with all of the other normal issues of life. And all of this can cause desire discrepancy between them.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is when one partner in a relationship wants sex more frequently than the other. In couples who experience this discrepancy, it can lead to an overall decreased satisfaction with their relationship.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-V or DSM-5) calls the lower desire levels hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), or inhibited sexual desire, and ascribes the same condition to both men and women. The symptoms of this are a decreased desire for sexual intercourse or activity, a reduction in sexual thoughts or feelings, a decreased frequency of initiating sexual activity, and unresponsiveness to attempts at sexual activity.

What Causes This Sexual Problem in Long-Term Partnerships?

For one thing, women who are going through menopause, or have already been through it, have to deal with fluctuating hormone levels. These menopause-related issues can cause painful intercourse or problems reaching orgasm, and these factors can reduce her levels of desire for sex.

Similarly, men go through andropause as they get older, and this can cause erectile dysfunction. When this occurs, one or both partners may blame themselves or the other person, and this causes frustration and a lack of desire in the relationship.

Unhealthy Thinking in a Romantic Relationship

If a man thinks or feels that his wife is angered by him or frustrated with him, he will perceive a lack of desire on her part. Those roles can be reversed with the husband feeling like his wife does not feel sexually attracted to him.

However, the perceived imbalance is often greater than the actual imbalance, and a sex therapist can help both of you understand what is going on in your relationship. Many studies of long-term couples have found that the perceived imbalance is often simply due to a lack of communication between both partners.

Marriage and Sex Therapists in Montclair

The best way to get past desire discrepancy is by talking about it with a trusted professional and getting their advice and feedback. Keep your relationship going strong by seeing an experienced marriage counselor who specializes in relationship issues, including ones that center around the bedroom.

Here in Montclair, New Jersey, our team at Advanced Psychology Partners are experts in all areas of sexual counseling for different types of people in different walks of life. Call us today at (973) 534-5333 or request a consultation, and let us help your relationship overcome desire discrepancy. We are here to assist couples and help you understand each other.

Make-Up Sex After an Argument: Is It Good or Bad?

Many couples argue and often try to put the fighting behind them by having “make-up sex.” But is this a good habit to get into or will it lead right back down the same dead-end street? Most make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces all of the emotional drama associated with the fighting. The root of this type of sexual relations is extremely negative feelings during a heated argument.

These couples, wanting to switch gears to the opposite end of the spectrum, often crave intimacy and wind up having make-up sex to quell the mutual bad feelings that are presiding over the relationship at that moment.

Not Resolving Issues

By replacing an honest talk with make-up sex, the couple avoids a healthy discussion about the relationship. Couples who do this are actually doing their relationship a disservice. They eventually miss the thrill of make-up sex and subconsciously start fights just so they can be “solved” with make-up sex.

If one partner feels unable to communicate with the other about anything serious without starting a fight, the simplest solution often seems to be just tabling those hurt feelings. This, in turn, leads to resentment, more bad feelings, and ultimately an unhealthy relationship.

Rehashing Old Arguments

By bringing up or making jabs related to an old argument, a couple is doomed to never move past it. This is a very unhealthy habit that ensures a never-ending feud – especially if the argument was already resolved. Bringing up the past after already coming to an understanding indicates to a partner that previous resolutions don’t mean anything to the relationship – leaving no incentive for either partner to attempt reconciliation in the future. If you resort to make-up sex instead of resolving your issues, you’re likely to face the same arguments all over again.

Making Excuses

Instead of lying about the reason for a fight, making up a flimsy excuse, and engaging in make-up sex, sit and have a frank discussion about how the argument started and why it led to a fight. Making excuses just covers up the truth underneath, which eventually comes out anyway. Honest communication will get you much further in the long run than any make-up sex ever could. Sex-based on truthful communication has a much better chance of being a loving, satisfying experience.

Professional Help for Your Relationship in New Jersey

If you and your partner are mired in make-up sex and avoiding that all-important talk, reach out to our professional counselors at Advanced Psychology Partners. We offer a full range of couples and singles counseling to help resolve a multitude of issues.

Call us at (973) 743-2990, or schedule a complimentary meet & greet using our form online to see how we can help you and your relationship.

The Ted Bundy Dilemma: Should You Be Scared of Pornography Addiction?

A Netflix documentary released earlier this year and an upcoming feature film starring Zac Efron are bringing new light on Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious sexual predators in U.S. history. Interestingly, Bundy claimed his addiction to pornography fed the monster inside him as his porn consumption began taking on a darker and harder edge. Renewed interest and analysis of Ted Bundy and other serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer has led to a national conversation of what a pornography addiction is and whether or not you should be concerned if you or someone you care about has one. Does an addiction to pornography lead down a dark, murderous path? Here’s what you need to know about The Ted Bundy Dilemma and if you should be scared of a pornography addiction.

Why Porn?

The adult entertainment and pornography industry states it is performing a vital service for its consumers. And with an estimated $100 billion per year in revenues – that’s an average of about $3,000 per second – the pornography industry is one of the largest and most profitable businesses in the world. With couples enjoying porn to spice up their sex lives and alternative lifestyles being more common, pornography has become more accepted and mainstream. However, under the umbrella of pornography, there are niches that some may find morally bereft or peculiar; there are also darker sub-genres that go against the laws of nature, and also, the laws of the land.

Porn Fed the Monsters

Most people enjoy pornography to satisfy desires, loneliness, curiosity. However, some are not content with more “tame” material and seek out higher highs. A very rare few take matters into their own hands and find victims to act out their darkest desires and fantasies. Many prolific serial killers, including Bundy, Dahmer, Richard Ramirez, and John Wayne Gacy professed to porn addiction. In fact, Dahmer stated he would prepare to hunt for a victim by reviewing pictures of his previous victims, which he considered his victories. For Bundy, Dahmer and the like, seeing others victimized desensitized them; they began to see their victims as disposable.

A Dangerous Path

While none of these sadists blamed their actions on porn, they all professed an affinity for hardcore pornography. And with the advent of the dark web, one no longer needs to walk the streets or travel abroad to find fulfilment. That being said, not all pornography is bad but an addiction to porn, like to gambling, is not considered healthy. Those who do become addicted to porn likely will do so in secret. Bundy referred to his own addiction saying “…like an addiction, you keep craving something harder, which gives you a greater sense of excitement until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far.” In that sense, it may be fair to conclude that anyone who begins to isolate themselves or consume more intense or dark porn may be traveling down a very frightening and dangerous path.

A common denominator

Bundy stated “I’ve lived in prison for a long time now and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence just like me and without exception, every one of them was … deeply influenced and consumed by an addiction to pornography.”

Seeking Help

It is possible to have a healthy sex life that is enriched by pornography, but when someone favors over interpersonal relationships, there may be cause for concern. If someone you know is addicted to pornography try to get them help. While the risk of them committing atrocities should not be a concern, their addiction will not bode well to achieving thriving and healthy relationships.

Advanced Psychology Partners can help with addictions to pornography. Call them today at (973) 534-5333 for a complimentary meet and greet session, or request your session online and take that step toward a happy and healthy life.

Call Us: (973) 534-5333