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Couples Therapy

The Ted Bundy Dilemma: Should You Be Scared of Pornography Addiction?

A Netflix documentary released earlier this year and an upcoming feature film starring Zac Efron are bringing new light on Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious sexual predators in U.S. history. Interestingly, Bundy claimed his addiction to pornography fed the monster inside him as his porn consumption began taking on a darker and harder edge. Renewed interest and analysis of Ted Bundy and other serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer has led to a national conversation of what a pornography addiction is and whether or not you should be concerned if you or someone you care about has one. Does an addiction to pornography lead down a dark, murderous path? Here’s what you need to know about The Ted Bundy Dilemma and if you should be scared of a pornography addiction.

Why Porn?

The adult entertainment and pornography industry states it is performing a vital service for its consumers. And with an estimated $100 billion per year in revenues – that’s an average of about $3,000 per second – the pornography industry is one of the largest and most profitable businesses in the world. With couples enjoying porn to spice up their sex lives and alternative lifestyles being more common, pornography has become more accepted and mainstream. However, under the umbrella of pornography, there are niches that some may find morally bereft or peculiar; there are also darker sub-genres that go against the laws of nature, and also, the laws of the land.

Porn Fed the Monsters

Most people enjoy pornography to satisfy desires, loneliness, curiosity. However, some are not content with more “tame” material and seek out higher highs. A very rare few take matters into their own hands and find victims to act out their darkest desires and fantasies. Many prolific serial killers, including Bundy, Dahmer, Richard Ramirez, and John Wayne Gacy professed to porn addiction. In fact, Dahmer stated he would prepare to hunt for a victim by reviewing pictures of his previous victims, which he considered his victories. For Bundy, Dahmer and the like, seeing others victimized desensitized them; they began to see their victims as disposable.

A Dangerous Path

While none of these sadists blamed their actions on porn, they all professed an affinity for hardcore pornography. And with the advent of the dark web, one no longer needs to walk the streets or travel abroad to find fulfilment. That being said, not all pornography is bad but an addiction to porn, like to gambling, is not considered healthy. Those who do become addicted to porn likely will do so in secret. Bundy referred to his own addiction saying “…like an addiction, you keep craving something harder, which gives you a greater sense of excitement until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far.”  In that sense, it may be fair to conclude that anyone who begins to isolate themselves or consume more intense or dark porn may be traveling down a very frightening and dangerous path.

A common denominator

Bundy stated “I’ve lived in prison for a long time now and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence just like me and without exception, every one of them was … deeply influenced and consumed by an addiction to pornography.”

Seeking Help

It is possible to have a healthy sex life that is enriched by pornography, but when someone favors over interpersonal relationships, there may be cause for concern. If someone you know is addicted to pornography try to get them help. While the risk of them committing atrocities should not be a concern, their addiction will not bode well to achieving thriving and healthy relationships.

Advanced Psychology Partners can help with addictions to pornography. Call them today at (973) 534-5333 for a complimentary meet and greet session, or request your session online and take that step toward a happy and healthy life.

Starting the “Open Relationship” Conversation

Having any romantic relationship can be challenging, but when discussing moving from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship, it can open the door to numerous complex issues, especially in marriage. Creating a set of do’s and don’ts can help ease the tension – and it’s very important to consider these and acknowledge their weight before walking in and dropping the “open relationship” bomb on your significant other.

Some couples attempt to open the confines of their relationship to other people, but if a relationship is in a weakened state to begin with, opening it up to others is a surefire way to quickly hasten its demise. However, if a relationship is solid, it can possibly be done.

Start With Small Steps

If the lines of communication are open and strong, and it seems like both partners would be up for it, then you can start the conversation gently. Just take baby steps toward the actual process of asking. However, it’s not recommended to drop hints, as they could be misinterpreted as wanting to end the relationship, rather than keeping the relationship and opening it up to others.

Several reasons or factors can lead to the desire for an open relationship. Maybe the partners are best friends and deeply in love, but the sexual aspect simply never clicked. Or perhaps one partner suffered an injury and can no longer perform sexually. Any of these reasons can be used as the starting point for a topic of conversation about an open relationship. The list of reasons goes on, but just be aware of the dangers before ever broaching the topic.

Don’t Be Forceful or Pushy

The quickest way to scare off a partner is to demand an open relationship. Keep in mind that while one partner may feel this is wonderful, the other may think it’s the absolute worst idea ever – and dropping that bomb might end what was a healthy, strong relationship.

However, if the time has come and it’s a viable request, do it in a way that does not threaten the other partner. It cannot be done with half-truths or keeping secrets. That is a sure way to force the other partner’s hand. The sole way for it to work is if both parties want the same thing and can speak frankly about it.

Address Any Fears

Obviously, if this is new territory for you or your primary partner, there could be some fear or hurt feelings. Address those fears and reassure your partner of the dedication to stay together and that it is not a fault of theirs causing this, but rather a desire to explore various outside avenues, either sexually or romantically. But do not lay blame on your partner. Explain the benefits that could result out of an open relationship.

If the talk does not go well, or your partner still has reservations, reassure them of your commitment by tabling it for another time. If your partner is open to the idea, don’t jump up and rush out on a date with another person just yet. Talk it through, and think of all the possible outcomes and feelings that are sure to come up as a result of your primary relationship’s barriers being relaxed.

Set Ground Rules

In addition to keeping secrets, not playing by established rules will hasten the demise of the primary relationship. For example, at the start of an open relationship, both parties could come home to one another, discuss events outside the relationship for full transparency, and reestablish the desire to stay together even though the relationship has been opened to others. Another ground rule is to always keep lines of communication open, including sharing all types of communication that happen with any partners outside the primary relationship.

If there are children in the household, keep in mind how confused they could become by your open relationship arrangement. It is very important to establish a ground rule that disclosure to children about the open relationship should not occur. That information should remain for adults only. Do not let the children become aware of any aspect of the open relationship until they have formed their own values and could understand what is going on.

As challenging as things can be, it is crucial to set ground rules ahead of time, and most importantly, to obey them. This is a matter of honesty and respect for your partner, which will help keep your primary relationship on solid ground.

Comprehensive Relationship Counseling in New Jersey

At Advanced Psychology Partners, we handle all types of mental health issues with a special focus on couples issues and sexual issues. If you wish to explore an open relationship, we can help you and your partner come to an agreement, as well as speak through any issues stemming from your open relationship.

We are professionals and have experience with all types of lifestyle choices. If you and your loved one wish to explore a new lifestyle but are concerned, contact us for guidance. We offer a complimentary “meet and greet” session to place both partners at ease and introduce everyone concerned.

Call us at (973) 534-5333, or request an appointment using our online form. We look forward to helping you navigate your relationship concerns.

Five Signs It’s Time to See a Marriage Counselor

It’s not enough that two people love each other and want to be together. Successful relationships take a lot of work. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that what may start off as a small issue can develop into a serious problem that could affect the future and health of the relationship. Before this happens, it’s a good idea to consider seeking help from a licensed and trained professional. But how do you know when it’s time to stop relying on your best friend or co-workers for advice and seek out professional help? Here are five signs that it may be time to see a marriage counselor.

Communicating Has Become Difficult

At the beginning of the relationship, most couples talk about anything and everything, often sharing their most intimate thoughts and dreams. However when partners begin to withhold dialogue and communication, professional help may be in order. Maintaining that open and honest level of communication is one of the most vital aspects of a healthy relationship – especially as relationships become weighted down with familial, professional, financial and social obligations. When communications have become stressed or barely existent, a marriage counselor can help reopen those lines and promote healthy communication skills and behaviors.

Trust Has Been Broken or Abused

Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. So it’s no wonder that infidelity is one of the most stressful events a relationship can experience.  In some cases, the seemingly harmless flirty tweets or messages posted on social media can be enough for a partner to feel discarded and hurt. And while some might believe that infidelity has to be sexual in nature, cheating could also mean hiding finances, addictions, identity concerns or any other issue. Where trust is broken or abused, expect a lot of work to salvage the relationship. In these cases, a marriage counselor can serve as a mediator to help repair the gap where trust may no longer exist.

Stuck in a Bad Groove

Remember the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which the title character is forced to relive the same day, every day, until he accepts change? When a relationship is stuck in the same groove – consistently repeating the same bad behaviors and diving down the same rabbit holes – it may be time to seek out professional assistance.  Nobody can change the past, but with the help of a marriage counselor these behaviors and issues can be addressed in a fresh light with a focus on strategies to overcome them.

A Life-Altering Event Happens

Many couples experience problems, but when a life-changing event happens like the birth of a child or loss of a job, the effects can be overwhelming to the status quo. Learning to navigate through these uncharted territories may require a guide with the experience and know-how to see you though to calmer waters. There are very few scenarios a marriage counselor hasn’t seen, and with that experience and compassion they can get you through.

Mutual Support Isn’t There

We all strive for validation, especially from our partner. When a partner feels as if they are no longer receiving support or encouragement from the other, communication and trust can wear down. Involving friends or family, or worse, involving children, can only seek to divide and create animosity. The best bet is to seek help from a marriage counselor who can bring issues into the open and bring in unbiased expertise.

Don’t Delay

Making the choice to pursue couples counseling is a huge step toward validating and saving a relationship. At Advanced Psychology Partner, we know relationships take work. If you are experiencing problems in your relationship, contact the professionals at Advanced Psychology Partners by calling (973) 534-5333 or, request your free consultation. We are here to help.

Polyamory vs. Open Marriage: What Does Each Relationship Type Mean?

Contrary to what many people believe, monogamy isn’t the only type of marital or committed relationship that people participate in. There are several types of modern-day relationships that cater to different people’s unique preferences.

Flexible ways of living in a non-monogamous relationship are being brought to light. Some people are gravitating to two kinds of non-monogamy – polyamory and open marriage – as a non-traditional way to live. Let’s discuss these two lifestyles.

What Is Open Marriage?

Open marriage is a blanket term for all kinds of consensual non-monogamy that could include swinging, polyamory, and condoned affairs. The key similarity among all of these is consent of all adults involved.

While some participants engage in this practice within their own religious affiliation, such as Muslims or Mormons practicing polygyny (whereby one male has multiple wives or female partners), others fall into the more progressive category for personal preferences.

Swingers

Swinging is the most well-known and most popular form of non-monogamy in marriage relationships. Broadly, it involves the consensual switching of partners for sexual purposes, usually at parties. It involves two or more couples getting together as a group and sharing each other’s spouses.

BDSM

Another type of practice that has gained notoriety through the book and movie Fifty Shades of Grey is BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism). BDSM often involves mainly bondage and domination, but contrary to popular belief, this practice doesn’t always include sex.

BDSM is more about exploring boundaries, emotions, and fantasies. Sado-masochism involves deriving sexual enjoyment while experiencing pain, and/or of inflicting pain or humiliation on another person.

What Is Polyamory?

There has been a recent influx of shows featuring unconventional relationships that include more than one person. These relationships notably display polyamory, which is being committed to and in love with two or more people at the same time.

Polyamory derives its meaning from the Greek word poly meaning many, and the Latin word amare meaning love – therefore, many loves. This is quite different from hidden, secretive affairs – polyamory implies full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

Contrast this with an open marriage relationship, which mostly centers around lighthearted sex with others outside the marriage. Polyamory means actually being in love with more than one person.

For some people participating in polyamory, there’s a certain misunderstanding of their dynamic. In many cases, polyamorous people will have one “anchor” family that they live with, and other relationships outside of that core group. It can be seen as a way to reduce the restrictions of a more traditional marriage.

However, open relationships should not be used as a way to soften the blow of someone who actually wants to break up or divorce, or to transition out of a committed situation – or, conversely, to keep such a relationship alive. Being open and honest with all adults involved is of utmost importance in all sexual and romantic relationships.

Sex Therapists in New Jersey

A sex-positive and sex-affirming sex and relationship therapy practice, Advanced Psychology Partners is your source for mental health, couples therapy, and sex therapy services. Our therapy sessions are completely confidential, and we’re open to talk about anything you want to talk about.

Whether you have concerns or questions regarding sexual preferences, or you are hoping to resolve couple conflicts or to eradicate sexual problems, we are here for you. For more information, call us at (973) 534-5333, or request a complimentary meet-and-greet with a therapist. We look forward to hearing from you.

How Erectile Dysfunction Can Affect You Psychologically

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common issue that affects the lives of both men and women. While it can be distressing physically, men can also experience psychological issues when dealing with erectile dysfunction.

Strain on their sex life, lack of communication, and emotional issues on each party’s end can create strain and conflict. Therefore, it’s important to discuss these sensitive issues and be open with each other.

Psychological Issues with ED

Men who struggle with impotency are dealing with more than just the physical condition, but also psychological and emotional distress. Coping with ED can be difficult because many men identify themselves with their ability to perform sexually.

It can be a huge insult to their self-esteem, their masculinity, and their self-confidence. Some men even start to feel depressed.

For their partner, there can be a disconnect of emotion and vulnerability. The partner may interpret certain behaviors incorrectly and feel rejected or unattractive. This can lead to arguments and even break-ups.

Dealing with ED Diagnosis and Treatment

Communication is very important when dealing with ED. Most men avoid talking about erectile dysfunction, especially in the moment in which it happens.

However, not talking about ED can negatively impact a couple’s sexual and personal relationship. Communication allows both partners to confront their feelings about ED and work together to overcome the emotional and psychological traumas, as well as work toward a solution.

One successful solution that has worked for many couples is having a proactive attitude toward erectile dysfunction. Confronting it directly makes both partners feel empowered.

Many professionals will suggest focusing on the moment and connecting with each other during lovemaking – fixating on the intimacy rather than fixating on the physical performance.

Another great tool is sex therapy.

Benefits of Sexual Therapy

In order to have a healthy relationship, couples should address the issue of ED together. Speaking with a therapist can work wonders to help couples get past their problems and improve the couple’s sexual and overall relationship.

Many men, and couples in general, are under the impression that erectile dysfunction is something that can be treated simply by taking a pill. However, meeting with a therapist who is trained in sex therapy can assist men and women in resolving the emotional, psychological, and physical issues that could be the cause of erectile dysfunction.

Sexual counseling can provide crucial assistance in recommending erotic and intimate practices for couples who are dealing with erectile dysfunction to eventually overcome the obstacle.

Sex Therapy in New Jersey

For great sexual health for yourself and your partner, it’s important to have clear communication – even with embarrassing topics like erectile dysfunction.

With the help of professionals at Advanced Psychology Partners, you and your partner can discuss your issues with erectile dysfunction in a therapeutic, safe, comfortable environment.

Our therapists will treat your issue with respect and compassion. Call our offices today at (973) 534-5333 to schedule an appointment, or complete our online appointment request form now. We look forward to helping you enjoy intimacy once again.

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