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Relationship Therapy

Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Does It Mean?

Simply put, consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term for what is more commonly referred to as swinging, polyamory, or other ethically “open” relationships. And while consensual non-monogamy has become a hot topic of national conversation, the practice of a couple staying together but seeking outside physical, romantic and/or emotional coupling is nothing new. What you might not know is that those involved in these relationships take their lifestyle very seriously and due to potential complexities, often are far better at laying out rules and discussing feelings and situations than many monogamous couples. Consensual non-monogamy may be nothing new, but for too many couples, taking a dip in this water brings with it high risk. Consensual non-monogamy:  what does it mean, and why should you care?

Why Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Marriage vows are something to be taken very seriously. The same is true of those who have committed to long-term relationships. Consensual non-monogamy may have found its place when couples choose to stay together, but for whatever reason, go outside the marriage or bond to satisfy any number of needs. It could be that a couple chooses to explore sexual satisfaction elsewhere with a member of their own or opposite sex; perhaps a couple wants to include another member or couple into their relationship. Sometimes divorce simply is not in the cards and it just makes sense to keep a marriage amicable but seek outside relationships. No matter the reason, the keyword is “consensual” – no secrets and no affairs. Oftentimes with consensual non-monogamy, a contract or rules of engagement are followed and updated, as the scenario or participants see fit.

Types of Non-Monogamous Relationships 

There are many types of non-monogamous relationships and each has its own set of rules, although some do overlap in places.

  • Polyamory has been described as the practice of and desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner with the consent of all parties involved. Those who engage in polyamory see the practice as ethical, consensual, and responsible non-monogamy, although that may slowly be changing; in a more modern context, traditional polyamory is evolving into more non-monogamous, multi-partner, non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.
  • Group marriage is when several people form a single familial unit and each is considered to be married to the others. More specifically, “line families” are group marriages that are continual over time: as older an older member pass away, new younger members are brought in as replacements until all the people who created the union are long gone but the union still stands. Poly families are similar to group marriage except members do not necessarily consider all partners as spouses.
  • Polyfidelity is when participants have multiple sexual partners, but all are part of a larger, closed group.
  • Polygamy occurs when a spouse has more than one spouse. In many cases, one spouse has no clue his or her spouse has another spouse (or family). If this is the case, it is not considered consensual non-monogamy as no consensus has been reached. However —
    • Polygyny is a form of polygamy in which one man can have several wives and all act together in concert as one big married family.
    • Polyandry is a result of one wife, having multiple husbands.
  • Open relationships or open marriages permit one or both members in a committed relationship to explore sexual activity with other partners. This often has a set of boundaries, although some practitioners have no boundaries. Swinging is similar to open relationships, except that the rituals are conducted as an organized social activity.

Agreement through Consensus

Surprisingly, statistics show that persons involved in serial monogamy scored far lower in trust and higher in jealousy than those in polyamorous. This likely has to do with the open communication necessary to develop agreement through consensus. Do any of these arrangements sound good to you? Not so fast. Before you and your partner jump into a non-monogamous relationship, it is wise to seek guidance from an expert. When done right and with care, non-monogamous relationships can be successful and nurturing. Some may even bring a couple closer together. To be sure it’s right for you, it’s best to meet with a therapeutic professional who specializes in all types of non-traditional arrangements. Located in Montclair, Advanced Psychology Partners’ sex and relationship experts Donna Lobiondo and Eric K. Larsen have years of experience discussing these sometimes awkward subjects are here to help you and your loved one make wise and informed decision. Call them today at (973) 743-2990 or, request a complimentary meet and greet to see if one of these lifestyle changes can benefit your existing relationship.

The Ashley Madison Phenomenon: Is There More to It than Just “Cheating?”

Ashley Madison is the notorious website where people go to find people with whom to have an extramarital affair. When the website was hacked in 2015, and all of the users’ names and personal information were made publicly available on the internet, it revealed that 32 million people had used this website.

But one thing the hack didn’t reveal was the reasons behind why so many people used the website in the first place. What were the reasons? Was it to actually meet and cheat? To feel empowered? To feel wanted? To feel attractive?

Reasons Behind Ashley Madison’s Success

Part of the attraction toward things on the internet as a whole is the feeling of anonymity. A person can rationalize, “I’m just typing on a keyboard. I’m not doing anything wrong.” The next step of meeting the individual in person then comes more naturally, because you have already established a connection.

A woman needs to feel loved, and a man needs to feel respected. If these are missing from a marriage, either or both partners are likely to stray and look elsewhere to get what they need from other people.

Why Women Cheat and Why Men Cheat

For women who are exploring beyond their marriage for affection, their cheating may have more to do with wanting to be appreciated and wanting to feel attractive. For a man, if he feels threatened by his wife’s professional success, the man is much more likely to cheat than a man who does not feel threatened in this way.

That is the main reason why the Ashley Madison website was so popular – people were looking for what they were missing in their romantic relationships.

Other Reasons

Someone who makes a lot of money may feel that the rules don’t apply to them, so they may be more apt to cheat. They may be accustomed to getting their way and feel like they can smooth anything over with compliments and apologies.

Other people who cheat feel like they need the ego boost that comes from being considered attractive or wanted by a new person or a stranger. If a woman’s partner never or rarely compliments her and suddenly this stranger on Ashley Madison’s website is gushing over her beauty, it may seem irresistible.

Certain environmental and family factors, such as coming from a broken home where one or both parents cheated, can also make a person more likely to cheat themselves when they are older. If they were raised seeing this in their own family, it will affect their relationships through adulthood.

Sex Therapists in New Jersey

If you or your partner has cheated, there are underlying reasons for it. Seeking professional assistance from experienced sex therapists can help couples regroup and move past the past, and start anew. It takes work, but so do lots of things.

If you and/or your partner wish to try counseling, contact us today at Advanced Psychology Partners. Call (973) 534-5333 or request an appointment online now. Let us help you break the ice so you and your partner can develop a great relationship again.

The Ted Bundy Dilemma: Should You Be Scared of Pornography Addiction?

A Netflix documentary released earlier this year and an upcoming feature film starring Zac Efron are bringing new light on Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious sexual predators in U.S. history. Interestingly, Bundy claimed his addiction to pornography fed the monster inside him as his porn consumption began taking on a darker and harder edge. Renewed interest and analysis of Ted Bundy and other serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer has led to a national conversation of what a pornography addiction is and whether or not you should be concerned if you or someone you care about has one. Does an addiction to pornography lead down a dark, murderous path? Here’s what you need to know about The Ted Bundy Dilemma and if you should be scared of a pornography addiction.

Why Porn?

The adult entertainment and pornography industry states it is performing a vital service for its consumers. And with an estimated $100 billion per year in revenues – that’s an average of about $3,000 per second – the pornography industry is one of the largest and most profitable businesses in the world. With couples enjoying porn to spice up their sex lives and alternative lifestyles being more common, pornography has become more accepted and mainstream. However, under the umbrella of pornography, there are niches that some may find morally bereft or peculiar; there are also darker sub-genres that go against the laws of nature, and also, the laws of the land.

Porn Fed the Monsters

Most people enjoy pornography to satisfy desires, loneliness, curiosity. However, some are not content with more “tame” material and seek out higher highs. A very rare few take matters into their own hands and find victims to act out their darkest desires and fantasies. Many prolific serial killers, including Bundy, Dahmer, Richard Ramirez, and John Wayne Gacy professed to porn addiction. In fact, Dahmer stated he would prepare to hunt for a victim by reviewing pictures of his previous victims, which he considered his victories. For Bundy, Dahmer and the like, seeing others victimized desensitized them; they began to see their victims as disposable.

A Dangerous Path

While none of these sadists blamed their actions on porn, they all professed an affinity for hardcore pornography. And with the advent of the dark web, one no longer needs to walk the streets or travel abroad to find fulfilment. That being said, not all pornography is bad but an addiction to porn, like to gambling, is not considered healthy. Those who do become addicted to porn likely will do so in secret. Bundy referred to his own addiction saying “…like an addiction, you keep craving something harder, which gives you a greater sense of excitement until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far.”  In that sense, it may be fair to conclude that anyone who begins to isolate themselves or consume more intense or dark porn may be traveling down a very frightening and dangerous path.

A common denominator

Bundy stated “I’ve lived in prison for a long time now and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence just like me and without exception, every one of them was … deeply influenced and consumed by an addiction to pornography.”

Seeking Help

It is possible to have a healthy sex life that is enriched by pornography, but when someone favors over interpersonal relationships, there may be cause for concern. If someone you know is addicted to pornography try to get them help. While the risk of them committing atrocities should not be a concern, their addiction will not bode well to achieving thriving and healthy relationships.

Advanced Psychology Partners can help with addictions to pornography. Call them today at (973) 534-5333 for a complimentary meet and greet session, or request your session online and take that step toward a happy and healthy life.

Starting the “Open Relationship” Conversation

Having any romantic relationship can be challenging, but when discussing moving from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship, it can open the door to numerous complex issues, especially in marriage. Creating a set of do’s and don’ts can help ease the tension – and it’s very important to consider these and acknowledge their weight before walking in and dropping the “open relationship” bomb on your significant other.

Some couples attempt to open the confines of their relationship to other people, but if a relationship is in a weakened state to begin with, opening it up to others is a surefire way to quickly hasten its demise. However, if a relationship is solid, it can possibly be done.

Start With Small Steps

If the lines of communication are open and strong, and it seems like both partners would be up for it, then you can start the conversation gently. Just take baby steps toward the actual process of asking. However, it’s not recommended to drop hints, as they could be misinterpreted as wanting to end the relationship, rather than keeping the relationship and opening it up to others.

Several reasons or factors can lead to the desire for an open relationship. Maybe the partners are best friends and deeply in love, but the sexual aspect simply never clicked. Or perhaps one partner suffered an injury and can no longer perform sexually. Any of these reasons can be used as the starting point for a topic of conversation about an open relationship. The list of reasons goes on, but just be aware of the dangers before ever broaching the topic.

Don’t Be Forceful or Pushy

The quickest way to scare off a partner is to demand an open relationship. Keep in mind that while one partner may feel this is wonderful, the other may think it’s the absolute worst idea ever – and dropping that bomb might end what was a healthy, strong relationship.

However, if the time has come and it’s a viable request, do it in a way that does not threaten the other partner. It cannot be done with half-truths or keeping secrets. That is a sure way to force the other partner’s hand. The sole way for it to work is if both parties want the same thing and can speak frankly about it.

Address Any Fears

Obviously, if this is new territory for you or your primary partner, there could be some fear or hurt feelings. Address those fears and reassure your partner of the dedication to stay together and that it is not a fault of theirs causing this, but rather a desire to explore various outside avenues, either sexually or romantically. But do not lay blame on your partner. Explain the benefits that could result out of an open relationship.

If the talk does not go well, or your partner still has reservations, reassure them of your commitment by tabling it for another time. If your partner is open to the idea, don’t jump up and rush out on a date with another person just yet. Talk it through, and think of all the possible outcomes and feelings that are sure to come up as a result of your primary relationship’s barriers being relaxed.

Set Ground Rules

In addition to keeping secrets, not playing by established rules will hasten the demise of the primary relationship. For example, at the start of an open relationship, both parties could come home to one another, discuss events outside the relationship for full transparency, and reestablish the desire to stay together even though the relationship has been opened to others. Another ground rule is to always keep lines of communication open, including sharing all types of communication that happen with any partners outside the primary relationship.

If there are children in the household, keep in mind how confused they could become by your open relationship arrangement. It is very important to establish a ground rule that disclosure to children about the open relationship should not occur. That information should remain for adults only. Do not let the children become aware of any aspect of the open relationship until they have formed their own values and could understand what is going on.

As challenging as things can be, it is crucial to set ground rules ahead of time, and most importantly, to obey them. This is a matter of honesty and respect for your partner, which will help keep your primary relationship on solid ground.

Comprehensive Relationship Counseling in New Jersey

At Advanced Psychology Partners, we handle all types of mental health issues with a special focus on couples issues and sexual issues. If you wish to explore an open relationship, we can help you and your partner come to an agreement, as well as speak through any issues stemming from your open relationship.

We are professionals and have experience with all types of lifestyle choices. If you and your loved one wish to explore a new lifestyle but are concerned, contact us for guidance. We offer a complimentary “meet and greet” session to place both partners at ease and introduce everyone concerned.

Call us at (973) 534-5333, or request an appointment using our online form. We look forward to helping you navigate your relationship concerns.

Five Signs It’s Time to See a Marriage Counselor

It’s not enough that two people love each other and want to be together. Successful relationships take a lot of work. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that what may start off as a small issue can develop into a serious problem that could affect the future and health of the relationship. Before this happens, it’s a good idea to consider seeking help from a licensed and trained professional. But how do you know when it’s time to stop relying on your best friend or co-workers for advice and seek out professional help? Here are five signs that it may be time to see a marriage counselor.

Communicating Has Become Difficult

At the beginning of the relationship, most couples talk about anything and everything, often sharing their most intimate thoughts and dreams. However when partners begin to withhold dialogue and communication, professional help may be in order. Maintaining that open and honest level of communication is one of the most vital aspects of a healthy relationship – especially as relationships become weighted down with familial, professional, financial and social obligations. When communications have become stressed or barely existent, a marriage counselor can help reopen those lines and promote healthy communication skills and behaviors.

Trust Has Been Broken or Abused

Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. So it’s no wonder that infidelity is one of the most stressful events a relationship can experience.  In some cases, the seemingly harmless flirty tweets or messages posted on social media can be enough for a partner to feel discarded and hurt. And while some might believe that infidelity has to be sexual in nature, cheating could also mean hiding finances, addictions, identity concerns or any other issue. Where trust is broken or abused, expect a lot of work to salvage the relationship. In these cases, a marriage counselor can serve as a mediator to help repair the gap where trust may no longer exist.

Stuck in a Bad Groove

Remember the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which the title character is forced to relive the same day, every day, until he accepts change? When a relationship is stuck in the same groove – consistently repeating the same bad behaviors and diving down the same rabbit holes – it may be time to seek out professional assistance.  Nobody can change the past, but with the help of a marriage counselor these behaviors and issues can be addressed in a fresh light with a focus on strategies to overcome them.

A Life-Altering Event Happens

Many couples experience problems, but when a life-changing event happens like the birth of a child or loss of a job, the effects can be overwhelming to the status quo. Learning to navigate through these uncharted territories may require a guide with the experience and know-how to see you though to calmer waters. There are very few scenarios a marriage counselor hasn’t seen, and with that experience and compassion they can get you through.

Mutual Support Isn’t There

We all strive for validation, especially from our partner. When a partner feels as if they are no longer receiving support or encouragement from the other, communication and trust can wear down. Involving friends or family, or worse, involving children, can only seek to divide and create animosity. The best bet is to seek help from a marriage counselor who can bring issues into the open and bring in unbiased expertise.

Don’t Delay

Making the choice to pursue couples counseling is a huge step toward validating and saving a relationship. At Advanced Psychology Partner, we know relationships take work. If you are experiencing problems in your relationship, contact the professionals at Advanced Psychology Partners by calling (973) 534-5333 or, request your free consultation. We are here to help.

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